It was June 2013 and my little family was camping with my parents when "the fight" happened. For a long time, I would have been convinced that you needed to know the details of "the fight". I would have listed off my husband's wrongful actions precisely and with a haughty pride that comes from a wife that is focused more on the sins of others than the hate that hardens her own heart. Now I can tell you with certainty that "the fight" was really just a moment that brought the sin in my heart and the sin in my husband's heart to a head.
Step off of the path with me for a moment while I give you a side story that defines why "the fight" was so bad.
Years ago, I had a small cut in my finger that developed into a infection. I went to my regular doctor and instead saw the new kid in town. She was well meaning and had a thick accent making conversation difficult. Luckily, she could see the sore and knew what to do. Right there in the office she grabbed a scalpel and cut open the sore. She pushed and squeezed to drain this sore and remove the infection from my body. It was painful!!! She explained to me that it would heal and be fine. I took my band-aide, paid for the torture treatment and left. Within 24 hours the whole finger was swollen and I was off to the Emergency Room.
The kind ER doc immediately identified it as MRSA and took a swab to confirm his suspicions. MRSA is a nasty staph infection that is pretty much a horrible beast. Google it if you would like your stomach to turn. It's gross. He then numbed the finger and began to cut out tissue from my finger. This guy was digging into my finger bone-deep. I was so thankful for that magical shot that made the whole experience painless. While teasing him about how much tissue he was going to cut away he explained something that applies to each of our lives and get us back on the path of the story of the fight. In order for my body to heal, he had to take away ALL of the infected tissue and carefully take away a small layer of tissue that looked healthy but had been in contact with the infection. He also explained that my well meaning, newbie of a doctor had made the infection worse by attempting to squeeze the infection out and she had actually pushed in further into my body actually exposing me to the risk of blood infection. When he was done cutting a gaping hole into my finger, he packed it up with gauze and sent me home. Disclaimer: Some nurse out there may be reading this and have so much more information and a better description of this process. (Hi Big Elisha!) This is the process according to me ;)
Now back to "the fight". For years, my husband and I were both suffering from a marriage infection and "the fight" happened because it had gotten into our blood steam and was killing our marriage. We had seen well-meaning counselors, talked with friends, read books, and diagnosed ourselves. But we had never been willing to have ourselves cleaned out. Our hearts and marriage needed to be cut open and cleaned out. It needed to be bone-deep! Our issues would rise to the surface like a nasty infection and we would drain them and move on. Yet in our souls the infection grew. Here is what our infection looked like.
Anger that manifested into sin
Selfishness while never choosing to serve selflessly
Pride in what others saw in me versus what was truly there
Looking for him to be a prince while acting like the wicked queen (yup! I am gonna own that one)
Reading marriage books looking for either how to change him, manipulate him or push him into "healing"
The "roommate syndrome" - we passed off chores, kids and scheduling conflicts while forgetting that at one point in time I thought he was HOT and needed to get to that wedding night part ;)
We both became more focused on what to other person was doing wrong and quit looking in the mirror
We became experts at listing offenses!
We quit doing the small things - this is HUGE!!!
Let's just pause for a moment and let me explain something about marriage and the healing power of God. I met with an amazing friend for coffee after "the fight". We sat at a patio table in front of Starbucks and I declared to her that my husband and I were separating. When she asked why, I listed off like a poisonous viper all of the things wrong with that man that I had married. I could have went on for days... Now that I have the infection removed as I list the things that were wrong with my marriage the ones that I remember are mostly all mine. Praise be to God on that one! If you are wondering right now if you have a marriage infection...stop! Right now grab a piece of paper and write down what is broken in your marriage. If most of them are the other person's fault, then please find a counselor that is experienced in broken marriages. You are infected and my heart is breaking for you. But I can tell you this. If you have not signed the divorce papers, it is not too late! As a matter of fact, if you have signed them I would challenge you to examine your heart and see if it is still not too late.
I pray friends that you examine your life and look for any infections that you have not been treating. Maybe it's your finances, marriage, relationship with your kids, your job. Let's pray together that you have the faith to have your heart opened and drained of the infection.
Psalm 139:23 (ESV) Search me, O God and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
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